“Water, Water, Everywhere!” – What The Ancient Mariner, Sid the Sloth, and Donald Trump Have in Common

Water, water, everywhere,
And all the boards did shrink;
Water, water, everywhere,
Nor any drop to drink.”
― Samuel Taylor Coleridge, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner

– Gustave Dore


These famous lines from what I consider the greatest narrative poem in the English language (and the most haunting) are a perfect example of the sadistic nature of irony that surrounds us.  

And speaking of irony, these very same lines are used in the iconic movie (one of Malcolm’s favorites) Ice Age : Continental Drift by Sid the Sloth. He says while stranded on a floating iceberg,

“Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink. Ooh! Or maybe that drop!”

Sid then swallows a heaping amount of salty sea water making his face shrivel up like someone who chases down alum with lemon juice.

And then there is that not well-known, but pertinent rhyme from the GOP camp used by dehydrated, parched, hyperarid, sunbaked, xerothermic candidates for national office.

Water, water, everywhere,
Damn, I need a drink;
Water, water, everywhere,
None will notice, you think?”

Actually we do notice. Take Paul Ryan for instance.

In Paul Ryan’s debate with Joe Biden during the campaign for the 2012 election, he reached for H2O well over 20 times. So semi-disturbing was this need to quench his nervous thirst that it was lampooned by Saturday Night Live to the nth degree.

Then there was the Marco Rubio reach for the water bottle.

Well, that’s self-explanatory.

But it was Donald Trump who went to the canteen so many times during his debate with Hillary Clinton that seems to have caught my attention. Not once did Clinton drink water on the stage.

Along with copious amounts of sniffing, Donald sought to hydrate himself so many times that it was becoming an important subplot in the narrative of the debate.

Even more thirst provoking is that he made so much fun at the expense of Marco Rubio’s need to reach for the water bottle when both were seeking the nomination for the GOP. You can literally refresh yourself and your memory of that mocking scene by visiting http://www.businessinsider.com/donald-trump-marco-rubio-water-bottle-2016-2.


Some will say that drinking water continuously may be the sign of a nervous habit. Some say that the temperature may have caused a need to hydrate. Some may say that Clinton didn’t drink water because she’s not human.

Or it may just be a way to keep the BS from caking in his mouth, clogging up his ability to breath, and ultimately chocking him to death.


It was a promotional stunt for another Trump product that is sure to be YUGE!!!

Look closely at the picture.

That’s may not just be any water. That’s Trump Water! Actually it’s Trump Ice. 

No, I’m not kidding. It exists.


Trump Ice, I am told by an unreliable source, is distilled in a golden dome with the heat from nonexistent global warming then infused with small gold flakes and three drops per liter of Donald Trump’s sweat and one drop of crocodile tears and bottled immediately for maximum quality.

Or maybe it wasn’t water at all. Maybe it was another clear liquid designed to change how you do not perceive reality. The more “water” Trump drank the more he exhibited the unique ability to avoid questions with repetitive answers that hurl invectives and disperse rage like none other.

That’s right! Trump Vodka. It also exists – at least at one time.

Apparently there are plenty of bottles left at Trump’s estate.

Imagine if Ryan or Rubio had Trump vodka in their systems rather than just plain water. Joe Biden would not have stood a chance.

And Rubio may not have been standing at all by the end of his address.